There's always tomorrow.

Do you know what Bar exam preparation has done to me? It's made me believe there's always tomorrow, because there's just not enough hours in the day. Or maybe there are enough hours, but not enough to be spending every waking minute with my nose in the books.

My body is achy. I'm always sleepy. I am perhaps the most unhappiest person. Each day is just another day. I don't know the day of the week, I don't know the date, and I occasionally know the time. I wake up, fill my coffee cup, go to school, eat lunch, study until dinner, eat dinner, study, exercise, watch 1 hour of TV and sleep. Everyday.

And everyday, I never get everything done. I say to myself, there's always tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and goes, and I still don't get everything done. When I think about it, it's actually very sad and scary. It'll be July and I'll still be saying there's always tomorrow, except there won't be a tomorrow! Tomorrow will be the day of the exam.

Today, I had trouble breathing. Really - breathing. I would catch myself not breathing, and then would have to tell myself to take a breath. It was weird. I have all this anxiety about passing my first time, how I don't have the money or the time to do this all over again, how embarassing it will be. I have so much to prove to too many people. To top it all off, I'm appealing the grade I was most dissatisfied with. My grade was the product of just another time where I was screwed over because of a kiss-ass hussy.

Here's the funny thing - when I was a kid, I'd always pray that God would help me do well on tests. Now, I just don't ask. I think if it's meant to be, it'll be. If I pray every night, does that mean it will happen? No. I believe in the master plan, and I am skepticle about the power of prayer. Pray all you want about whatever you want. If it's not in the master plan, it's not gonna happen. So does this mean I should pray that it is a part of the master plan? Oh geez, where does it end.

I think about my wedding in between the studying, when I don't want to study anymore. I think of how I definitely want my ceremony in a church, but I don't really know why. I believe in God, not the church. I also believe we can all have our own God, and end the end God might just end up being the same being with many different names. Afterall, we have different languages. How can we expect to call God one thing in all languages if we don't even have the same name for house, food, or bathroom (the essentials, of course)?

So many questions, not enough time to sit here and ponder them all. I'm behind on my Bar work. I keep telling myself, I'll be so happy when I move back to San Francisco.