quicksand

So it's like this: I've finally found a job that I really want to apply to, but I just can't get myself to update my darn resume. I'm stuck, people. It feels like I'm in quicksand. Every time I try to move up and out, the pace is real slow, and it feels like I'm sinking more than anything.

Yesterday, I spent time with the grandparents. It started out with a visit to the doctor's office. When I picked my grandparents up, they were both dressed up in their fancy dinner clothes. It was a little strange. I sat in the doctor's office for nearly two hours during their appointment. While I was there, I made an observation: old people get dressed up when they go to the doctor's office because I think they don't really get out much. When they do have a reason to leave their homes, they wear their Sunday's best. Grandmas were carrying their Louis Vuitton purses and wearing strands of pearls (yes, this is the suburbs of LA). I couldn't help by attempt to relate - that's me in 60 years.

I hung out with my two favorite cousins, Jen and Al. They just came back from their month-long trip abroad. We watched Hairspray last night at the dollar theater; $2.50 is a great bargain for a movie these days. I visited my Goddaughter, the cutest human on this earth!

Today, I'm just working on trying to fit in a research position I have that's been going nowhere! I said to myself this morning, "Today I will apply to at least one job." I will, I will, I will... Yet, I haven't done shit. Instead, I've made plans for dinner with My tomorrow, an afternoon outing with the cousins today, everything but applying to jobs.

I'm also in this little tizzy with A. I swear, it's like a repeat of the awful crap that went down earlier this year. We had made plans to meet for dinner this week. Talking on the phone, w discussed how much life sucks right now and how incomplete we feel. She told me she was volunteering at a legal non-profit and working on-call for a contracts attorney. I told her that I'm unproductive and lazy. I said, well maybe when I get back up to SF, I'll look into volunteering at an affordable housing non-profit. I don't know if I said something wrong, but from that moment on, she was dead silent.

The next morning, I received an email from her, canceling our dinner plans for the week. It was written in the most formal tone, which I found very out of character. We never write each other formal emails! So there it is - she's in another one of her "Stella said something wrong" bits. Maybe I did...who knows. If I did, she should just confront me instead of hiding in her hermit crab shell like she always does when she gets upset.

For two days, I've been lulling over this. I called and text messaged her last night, but still no response. Danny and My say I should just leave her alone. They're right. Still, I can't help but think three years of friendship is being tossed out the window because of oversensitive feelings and a lack of communication.

To think - I was just telling Danny last week that I might ask her to be a bridesmaid...