final week

I'm having nightmares again! I went for about a month without nightmares about the Bar. My dreams went from situations during the exam to my latest psychotic dream of checking the results. The other night, I had the most vivid dream where I was checking my results in a large auditorium with all the other test takers. The girl next to me managed to get through and passed. I kept having technical difficulties with my laptop, but I finally managed to see my score after punching in my exam number. There it was - a very dream-like interpretation of "100% pass" like I was in grade school again.

It was the most intense feeling I ever had. I had a sense of absolute happiness, overwhelming relief. And then...I look at the fine print right below my "pass." It read, "not pass." Not pass!? I asked the girl next to me, "This means I passed, right?" She gave me a blank stare. Grief!!! Confusion!

Then I woke up. Ugh! It was horrible. Now that I type it all out, I'm able to better understand the dream. I think I saw that I passed first because in real life, that it what I hope to see the most. The "not pass" is my constant questioning, fear of not passing, the unknown. Just awful.

I find out on Friday at 6pm. I'm still irritated and disappointed about A. It's too bad we couldn't cope with results together.

I just keep thinking how happy I would be if I passed...