Another Thanksgiving came and went...
I'm not sure what happened, but today I woke up (with a cold) and realized that I'm 29 years old. I said it aloud and shook my head...twenty-freakin-nine. In less than one year, I'll be 30. Have I accomplished everything I hoped to accomplish by this age? Not even close. It's as if I blinked and my twenties were coming to an end.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to study marine mammals and swim with dolphins forever. When other kids were begging for a puppy, I begged my parents for either a killer whale or a dolphin to keep in our pool. Not both, because I wasn't sure if they'd get along...obviously.
I also wanted to be a writer and stared my first fiction novel on a Brother typewriter. Eventually, I moved it onto an old desktop that printed in dot matrix. I think I wrote 11 chapters before that behemoth of a computer finally broke down on me. Devastated by my loss, I swore off writing anything significant on a computer and never attempted writing a novel again.
I went through a phase of wanting to be a housekeeper like Tony on Who's the Boss. You can imagine my parents reaction when I announced this at dinner. During the days of the Gary Shandling Show, I told my mom I was going to become a standup comedian. Then there was opera singer. I used to sing from the balcony of the second floor to my imaginary audience sitting on the floor below. This didn't last long; my mom refused to pay for singing lessons for me, saying they were a waste of money.
By junior high, I decided - pediatrician. I shadowed doctors at the hospital and the idea grew on me more and more. I loved kids and I wanted to be able to help people. It was perfect, until I started college. Failing Organic Chemistry was a big slap in the face. My wake up call.
I think I still have time. I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 40 and wonder where the hell my life went. I know I'm not young and time may not be on my side, but I don't feel like I'm "old" yet either. After seeing eight of our friends have babies in the past few months, and learning of two more coming next year, I have reaffirmed that is definitely not what I want right now.
I'm so afraid of disappointing myself...more than I already have this year. Who am I right now? This person is not the person I thought I would be. So I'm reclaiming myself.
1 comment:
woohoo!!!!! Hooray for taking risks and stepping out towards new horizons :) I read a fabulous line the other day from the book "I will not die an unlived life: reclaiming purpose and passion" by Dawna Marko. She said:
"Think of all the ways you stop yourself by saying something like 'oh I couldn't do something like that; I'm not that kind of person.. that's just not me...' ***What if you weren't so sure you knew who you were? What if, deep inside, you told yourself you were a soul in wonder?"***
It made me think about all the ways I limit myself... I hope that you find all the encouragement and inspiration you need on this new journey! :)
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