The Shit.

I didn't make the mock trial team. Another failure to add on my list. Well, I honestly can say it was a good experience. Although, I honestly can also say that had I tried out my first year, I think I could have made it. They expect less from you as a 1L. I really tried my best and I'm not disappointed with my level of work. Infact, I surprised myself. But it's always a little disappointing when you went for something and didn't get it. I'm moving on. Hopefully, I'll be court certified through working at the DA's office next semester.

This week, I've been having bad dreams about work. I work at the State Bar, but I only go in one day a week. Obviously, I'm not going to be getting through the same quantity of work like I did this past summer, but I feel so darn pressured there! At the State Bar, out of all places. Past two nights, I've had dreams where I come in and there's a huge pile of work at my desk. Funny...

Danny and I aren't talking right now. I think it says alot that it was the 3rd thing I talked about in this entry and not the 1st. This is the longest time in 6 years that we've chosen not to talk to each other. It all began because he asked when I was planning on going back to the gym...in that fucked up kinda way. I'll go back when I've finished everything else I need to do, jerk! I'll go back when I find that job at the firm, get all A's on my finals, finish my transfer application, study for the MPRE, do all the extra crap that my parents want me to do, and then get a chance to breathe...that's when I'll go. For goodness sakes! He knows how much it hurts when I hear that kinda shit from my family, and then he turns around and does the same exact thing.

I didn't even cry. Nope, I was mad. Fierce kind of mad. I was driving and still in mock trial mode, so I laid it all on the line. Made my argument as to why he's fucked up, and asked him, "when are you planning on growing taller?" I should have asked, "when are you planning on getting that nose job, moving out of the house, bulking up, making more money, going back to get a graduate degree, and learning how to be romantic?" WHEN!? I never complain about things about danny. I believe there are good qualities and not-so-great qualities about everyone. But love is overlooking those not-so-great qualities, because in the end, they mean nothing. I just hoped danny felt that way too.

He had the nerve to say, but what about my happiness. And that's when I told him I'm going to hang up, and if he ever wanted to talk to me again, he would have to make up for this big time. I still haven't gotten that big time response...another disappointment.

I told Ambreen that it really doesn't bother me that I'm not talking to him. I mean - well of course it bothers me, but I stood up for myself. I didn't collapse, start crying, give in. I don't need that kind bullshit! If I learn today that stupid shit like weight and body type mean more to him than love and devotion, than I will take this as a lesson learned and move on. I believe there are people in the world that do share the same ideals as me. If danny's not him, than next please. I'm proud of myself for being able to think that way, because most girls will give in.

I am who I am. No one's going to change me unless I want to be changed. No one's going to tell me who I have to be or what I need to look like. And no one is ever going to make me feel like I'm not good enough.

I'm the shit. No one is going to make me feel otherwise.