Not Again

I bite my nails when I'm nervous or stressed. I went the entire summer with beautiful nails, but when school started, I couldn't keep myself from biting. I know, it's a horrible, gross habit. I keep catching myself in the act too. You would think the day after Thanksgiving wouldn't be so stressful, but I've somehow managed to make it so. Maybe stressful isn't the right word...I think it's more like - frustrating.

My "god" of a brother came home yesterday for the holiday. He drove down with a girl that appears to be his new girlfriend. It's so dramatic with my brother. Perhaps we have that in common. The family is beginning the new girl chatter. Who is she, are they serious, blah blah. My family keeps asking me questions as if I knew. I know nothing! I keep telling them, ask my brother. But no, they dare not bother him with such questions. I was also very disappointed that no one asked how I was doing, how school was, if things were going well for me. No, the talk of the evening was my brother, his fabulous firm job, his new "girlfriend." It's always that way in my family. Every single year, always the same. My grandpa kept asking for 2 days when my brother would be coming home. If I try really, really hard, I can understand where my grandfather is coming from. He was born in 1920. His grandson is the THE ONLY person that will carry his family name, if you want to think of it in a narrow sense. This also depends on whether my brother ever has kids.

My grandma kept suggesting that I was so happy now that my brother's ex-girlfriend is an ex-girlfriend. Honestly, I don't give a damn. Am I relieved? Yes, of course. If only they saw the person I saw, they'd agree with me. But it's never that way, is it? Even though I was never very fond of her, I do pity her situation. Here she was, in her mid-twenties with one guy for several years. Of course she thought they'd marry. In the end, I hope she learned a lesson. Be yourself. Kissing ass for three years and trying to please people will never get you what you desire.

Issue 1: My brother won't marry anytime soon. Is this new girl the one? You know, it's so hard to say. I'm thinking my brother is now going into relationships, looking for his wife. My intuition says she's not the one.

Issue 2: No matter what I do, how successful I become, how much weight I lose, etc, etc, I will never, ever be equal to the god of this family. I know this. So why do I keep fighting it? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I think it's because I don't have a roll in the family. My brother is the golden boy, my sister is the go-to daughter, the connection between the two generations. Me, I'm just kinda here, trying to work for a place that I'll never have.