round three

*DING* Round 3 of the father-daughter match. Tonight, I came home really late after a long day at work, then class. I caught a cold, and I pathetically slept in my car during lunch. Anyway, so I come home and ate dinner right away. And there sits my dad, talking smack about how I need to move out, how I need to pay rent, that I'm good for nothing. This sounds reasonable, seeing that I'm 25 and living at home. But I"m not a moocher. I buy my own groceries, pay the cell phone bills. Besides, it's really not like that in an Asian home. He was just nagging for the sake of bothering me. My mom then couldn't find the phonecard my dad bought earlier for their trip to Cabo this weekend. He then proceeded to tell her how stupid she is, how I'm just as stupid as her, etc, etc. I defended my mom, and told him his side comments weren't helping her find the dang thing any faster...to shut it. He then began a wide range of insults, and said he's going to live with my brother and sister. I told him my sister doesn't even like him (which is true). To put it mildly, my dad got angry. Why? Because he knows it's true. No one would be that angry unless they just heard what they believe to be true in their heart. In that moment, I must have just validated his fear.

My mom got upset with me and told me I should have just sat still, like she always does. I told her, that's her way of dealing with it, I choose to defend myself, and most importantly, defend her. But she wanted none of it. I then explained to her that it's hurtful how she never defends me, but tells me to shut up...because she can't tell him. My dad has SUCH a superiority complex. It's insane. No one has ever told him something's wrong, to be quiet, that his behavior is unacceptable...no one except for me! That's why I'm the bad guy here.

Another step for stella. I didn't cry one tear. In fact, I laughed. That made him more angry. I think I've made it. I've arrived at that point where he doesn't make me sad anymore. I told him I won this round. He got very upset and started screaming at me about all sorts of things. I casually walked upstairs.

I choose to put this in my blog so that I can document how psychotic this man is. He's constantly putting people down. It's no wonder that I've turned out to be an emotional wreck. My dad's right about one thing - I am who I am because of him. He's made me emotional and sensitive. He's made me have low self-esteem. He's made me self-destructive. He's made me want to kill myself before.

I think it's funny how I choose to write about him instead of other more important aspects in my life, like my job at the DA's office, my great relationship with danny. This blog has ended up being about all the bad things in my life. It's nice knowing that I don't write about H and K anymore. I've moved on. I hope one day, I'll move on from my dad too. The man makes me wanna pull out all my hair. This life is simply stella.