Saying Goodbye

It was a lovely weekend. Danny came on to visit on Thursday night, and each day after seemed like perfect bliss. I always tell him that he's my happy, and when we're apart, I'm just never fully happy. Seeing him again makes me miss him even more when he leaves. When he come to visit, my family is in their best behavior. My dad hardly drinks, my mom is always cooking for him, no one argues, everyone laughs. It's nearly perfect.

While we were on our way to the airport today, I told him the saying that it gets easier with time simply doesn't apply in our situation. Time hasn't made being apart any easier. If anything, it's made it more difficult because we're both getting tired of the separation. Each time he comes to visit or I go to San Francisco, it's always difficult to say goodbye. The drive home from the airport gets so painfully routine, and when I get home, the house seems so empty without him here.

Even with all the craziness around me, sometimes I feel like it's all worth it when Danny and I are together. He is truly the one part of my life that I am most confident about, most proud of and content with. Today, we went to church together for Easter Sunday. Yes, yes...quite a stretch for the girl that never goes to church, but I thought it would be good for me. Danny's not religious, but he came to church with me because he knew it would mean a lot to me. I also think he enjoys trying new things and learning about people.

I told Danny on our way home, I was expecting some kind of divine intervention today, but I didn't feel anything special while I was at church. I wanted something to hit me so that I would know how to piece the rest of my life together. I wanted to be able to say, "Yup, from now on I'm coming to church," or "This is definitely not for me." But no, I'm still somewhere in the middle, and for now that's okay. I don't want to sound like a church nut, but I think I'm searching for some guidance from somewhere. There are so many things I'm unhappy with that I would like to be at peace with myself and my life. I would like to let go of everything and everyone that makes me sad or angry and just say goodbye.