happy father's day!

It's been a good few days in regards to family time. Dinner turned out nice today, but the whole night went just as I expected. They were praising my brother for buying the meal. Funny thing is, last year when I was working and I bought the $400 father's day meal, no one really said shit to me. They definitely didn't put me on that imaginary pedistal that my brother was on tonight. Yeah yeah, same ol', same ol.

Tonight, my brother's new girlfriend HM also attended our father's day dinner. For once out of my brother's long history of girlfriends, I really like her. This is a huge deal. I never, ever, ever like any of my brother's girlfriends, but this time I couldn't be more pleased. And yes, it's not all about me, but I'm a thinker. I like to think, as each girl enters our family, how is she going to be when we grow old and my parents die? What will my family unit be like, how will impact the family? I want to be able to call and chat with my sister-in-law. Heck, I only get one, so it's kinda a big deal to me. I don't want a sister-in-law that I can't talk to or laugh with. HM is very easy going. As my grandpa said today, she seems to laugh well. I find that very important.

Relief. No more of the wicked witch my brother was with for 3 years. And along with the witch went my nightmares of their marriage and the future. Funny how things tend to work themselves out.

I've kind of given up on the whole summer job quest. I found a summer work-from-home job with an attorney who's a flake. She's a nut. Really. She told me she's had bad experiences with the last 12 clerks she's hired. At first, I was excited b/c I would be the one to change her mind about law clerks, to show her what real clerks can do. And then, as the attorney kept talking, I realized why the clerks left her. She's really something, and when I say something, I don't mean the positive something. So as it turns out, while I may have a job, I don't really. She still hasn't emailed my first assignment to me, when she promised to do it on Friday. Not a big deal, you say? Well, she also "forgot" about my appointment I had with her on Friday and made me wait an hour and a half for her. She also told me to call her last week at a certain time to discuss projects, and when I did, she wasn't available. Twice, she has forgotten to phone me back. This is obviously going nowhere.

While I was at first relieved that I had found a job, I've come to realize I really don't have anything. I'm too afraid to tell people now, since I made such a stinker about finally finding something to get them off my back. And my mom, oh gosh! Mom's have such a scary 6th sense about things. Right after I came home from my late ass meeting with the attorney, she made a comment. My mom said there must be wrong with this attorney because it doesn't make sense why she doesn't already have someone working for her. My mom asked me if the attorney was reliable, throwing all these probing questions! I didn't say a word to my mom about what I really thought! I swear, my mom has a psychic sense about things.

So where am I really? I'm back to square one, folks. I have nothing more than I did back in May. I suppose the only thing that's different now is that the whole process has slowly broken me down and picked me apart. I've now become bed mates with giving up. The only thing that still seems to bother me is the internal comparing with my brother and the family's worship of the dick.

Today, it was revealed at dinner that my brother and my graduation are on the same date, May 19, 2007. The whole family was in a state of crisis. The look on my grandpa's face was priceless! There really isn't much of a dilemma about which graduation my family wants to go to. The dilemma is about which graduation they want to go to and what it means. It means I was right all along. That in the end, the only one that matters is the one with the penis.

I'm SO over penises. At this rate, I'll be very lucky if I don't favor my daughters over my sons. And with that, it's been a happy father's day, for the most part. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have feelings. No, scratch that. I wish I could select my feelings. I would take love, sensitivity (mildly) and compassion, but leave out jealousy, rage, and vengefulness.