Oppression

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss


I guess my dad then fits the "doesn't matter" cateory. If I were going to see the Wizard of Oz, I would ask for a new set of emotions...ones that are less emotion-less. On this beautiful Saturday morning, I've had the first big cry of the school year. My heart has sunk lower than I thought was possible, and now I'm just helpless and hopeless again. Whenever I try to be who I am and say what I feel, people seem to mind alot. This would mean that all these people that I'm surrounded by in my life don't matter...or at least their opinions don't matter. My problem is that my dad tries to gag me, metaphorically speaking. I never have a voice in this house, and therefore, I'm compelled to yell. If only they would listen to me the first time through... My mom just walked in the room and said she's sick of hearing me yell. She said she's never heard a voice so loud, and yet she can't hear me. As loud as I may be, no one will listen. And yet, once again, she didn't say a word to my dad. She never told him to lower his voice, she never told him about his loud, obnoxious yelling. No, it's only me. It's always me, the cause of all the problems.

I think I'm done. I'm fed up and tired now. Today was the prime example of what my Women and the Law class discussed this past week. I'm stuck in this hole in the ground and everytime I try to get out, my dad steps on my head and stuffs me back in. My mom watches on the side lines, refusing to help me or stop him. Inaction can be just as bad as guilt. For example, I told my parents about my plans to go into real estate law or land use. I was genuinely excited because I've been feeling lost these days about what to do with myself. This was the first time I thought of an area of law I'd maybe enjoy. My parents, even though their parents, didn't say one supportive word. They told me how I'd make no money, how there's not enough work in the field, how I'd get nowhere, how hard it would be for me to find a job...one comment after another. Why didn't they just shoot me, for God's sake. I now realize that anything I say won't be good enough, any field of law I choose won't be good enough...because nothing is a good as my brother's $145,000/year salary he'll be receiving after he gradutates.

I have two weeks before I move out to my apt. Two whole long ass weeks.
I keep thinking of what A said to me - trust no one. Does that include family? There is one person in the world that I can trust, and it isn't even Danny. It's my friend Lisa. Everyone else has at one time or another, let me down. While I forgive, I don't forget, and these days it's getting rather hard to forgive.

So yes, I'm done. I'm done with the mean girls at school, I'm done with my dad, I'm done with trying to go to my sister for help, I'm done with expecting my mom to save me, I'm done with hoping my brother will be a real older brother and not a dictator, I'm done with wishing for unconditional love, and I'm done with naively giving my trust away. I'm done with caring and having to fight to show I care. I done with giving my 2 cents, because afterall, I've learned my words are only worth 2 cents. I'm done with trying to impress, being oppressed, and having to suppress.

What a way to spend my saturday...