Moving On

Theres this tiny, itty, bitty bump on the left side of my neck. It's very very small (in case you didn't understand my first sentence). In fact, it's so small that most people would never notice it. Well they wouldn't notice it until now, now that I've picked at it. What was once a very tiny bump has now become a very irritated red thing hanging off my neck. For some reason, I thought I could simply scratch the bump off. Ever notice, when something just doesn't belong, you try to force it to go away? And who said it doesn't belong? I realized that tiny bump was a mole! It was just going to be a teeny mole sitting on the side of my neck, just chillin. Now I've angered the damn thing. Now it's one of those gross hanging moles. You know, the ones where it appears as though you could just snip it off (pardon my graphic language).

I have managed to make something so natural become such a sore...literally, my mole hurts! The word "irritate" comes from the Latin word "irrītāre" and means:

1. To rouse to impatience or anger
2. To chafe or inflame.

I have managed to irritate the shit out of my bump on my neck and irritate myself in general. I keep thinking, if I just left everything alone, everything meaning my bump and my problems with K and H, maybe life would seem better. Should I have done something else, could I have approached it differently? The answer is yes. It's always yes, in any situation, because no matter what, there are things we can do differently. But it is what it is. Last night, H said she could not say sorry for not offering to chip in when she stayed over for nearly 2 months. She said she could not apologize because she, herself, would not expect anyone to offer to chip in. She could not apologize because had it been me, she would have never thought that I should offer to chip in had I stayed at her apartment for 2 months. And to top it all off, she said she could not apologize even if my feeling were hurt by the fact that she failed to offer, because she would never expect it. If what she says is true, then I have no other choice but to believe her and move on.

But people, I ask this - wouldn't you offer to chip in, in any way if you stayed at your friends house since the end of August? Wouldn't you want to, because as friends, you would realize you may have become a burden on your friends? And even if your friends would never accept your offer, isn't it not just a polite, couteous, and kind gesture to do so?

I'm all about manners. Maybe H isn't. But when I stay at a friend's place, even just for the weekend when visiting, I'm sure to let my friend know how much I appreciate what they've done, and I try to give back. During our conversation yesterday, H said how she could twist it and from her point of view, it was messed up for even wanting her to offer something in return. That may be true, but I would never think to expect it if I didn't live by those ways myself.

In the end, I realized I truly don't know who H is, and she doesn't know who I am. I felt a deep sense of loss. I had lost someone that I expected would be in my life forever. I had hoped our friendship would only grow stronger.

She had all sorts of explanations for why she did this and that, how she felt about my behavior. In the end, it doesn't matter. No one is right or wrong. We're just different. I now have to end the chapter on this part of my life. I keep trying to add more and more, just in case there's something left, just in case this isn't the end. Inside I know that any friend that cannot apologize for deeply hurting me is not a friend. H chose pride over our friendship. I'll have to accept it and move on.

Last night, I noticed I was much happier than I've been recently. Two seconds later, I realized it was because I told A that I was moving out. I feel bad for bailing on both of my roommates...yes, even K. It's selfish of me. I know this. But shit, sometimes, you have to just do what's right for you. I'm leaving because I honestly feel we'll all be happier if I wasn't here. Seriously. They won't have to keep "tip-toeing around me," as H put it. I'll finally get a chance to breathe.

Maybe I shouldn't have picked at my bump so much. Oh well. It's now a mole. Move on.