rude awakening

I woke up at 10:30. Not so early, I realize, but I'm still very tired and had to force myself out of bed. My tiredness is not just me being lazy. Rather, it was caused by the fact that my dad managed to surprise me again at 5:15 am. He was still drunk in bed and began yelling all sorts of crap. I'm not particularly a morning person, so even if you wake me up with a dozen roses in hand, I'll still be a bit cranky. So imagine my reaction when all I hear is shit coming out of his mouth about what a rude child I am.

Helpless, again. At 5:30am, I found myself crying in bed. -Flashback- I then recalled what I had written that night about how I reacted as a child, and those same exact feelings since I was six began resurfacing...magnified by a hundred. I know I'm becoming unhealthy when I hope my dad was dead. Over and over. Just die already. It doesn't make sense how he's still alive. With the amount of alcohol he comsumes and the 3+ packs of cigarettes he smokes a day, it's truly amazing that he isn't sick yet. And then I can't understand why my mom, the healthiest lady, may have a tumor. Again, it's like God's sick way of messing with our minds.

Reminder - If I ever have thoughts of living in this house again, remember this craziness. Remember that nothing is worth this shit, and sometimes, I have to live for me. If happiness and healthiness is moving out, then do it!