this is it

Administrative law. Still don't understand it. I wouldn't necessarily say it's hard, but I think it's so damn boring that it makes it hard to want to study it. This is the last night I'll be studying for law school until August. What a relief.

I'm not prepared for the final tomorrow. I'm not even close to understanding most of it. I'm gonna wing it, and I'll probably get the grade I deserve. I never get lucky with these things. Good luck has just never been in my fortune. I'm tired now and sick of studying.

The oddest thing happened. I just came home from the library, and I saw an envelope on my desk. My brother had left me $500. I refused to take it, but after about 5 minutes of pushing the envelope back and forth, I ended up losing the fight. I told him I don't like taking money I don't deserve. It's really never been in my nature. I also don't like sympathy money, and I can't help that this is a little bit of that. He probably feels bad that I go to a crappy school, have crappy grades, that my parents are giving me a crappy time about it, and that I still don't have a job for the summer. I can't blame him for feeling sorry for me...heck, even I would feel sorry if I were him. It's as if we're night and day...on two totally different planets. So I'm looking at this money, looking at what it symbolizes, and while I'm grateful, I can't come to fully appreciate yet. A little side of me feels like by accepting the cash, I've lost. Such an twisted way of looking at a gift...I know I should snap out of it, but it's been such a long and hard battle for me. By taking the money, it just reinforces the usual stereotypes in my family about who's more successful, who's helpless, who's the bigger and better person, etc. Once word of this money flies around, I'll never hear the end of it..."Be thankful...did you say thank you? You're brother this...you're brother that...Don't you wish you had a firm job for the summer...Why didn't you apply for the scholarship..."

I need to stop looking at this as a battle. My dad always says the final winner is the winner, but does there have to be a winner? Why the heck did my parents raise me like this, and why aren't I strong enough to break out of the cycle? Truth is, for me, it'll always be a battle. I will always be an inferior woman. My weakness is the fact that I won't be able to let go of the fight.

I suppose that's the forever fight. I need to get over my tomorrow fight - admin law.