Reality

I've been thinking about how my summer as been, and I've come to the conclusion that it pretty much bites. There is this pattern of one sack of shit after another. It's come to a point where I don't even want to put into words my anger and frustration...You can just read all the other postings to see where I'm at...the same damn place I've been for the past year.

I have lots to say about lots of things, but right now, I've just given up. I'm tired of fighting myself, arguing with other people. It is the way it is. I am who I am - fat and round, underacheiver. That's okay with me.

Everything can change with time, effort, and some luck. I firmly believe in this. There's only one thing in this world that I am absolutely hopeless and bothered by - that would be my dad. I think I've now given up. It feels weird, because I realize what it feels like to have no hope left in someone.

I wrote a few times of the need for unconditional love, but because of my dad, I've been thrown into a harsh world of reality. With him, love is conditioned on many, many things. I don't need that type of love. I don't want to have to work and be someone I'm not. I suppose he doesn't realize the more and more he demands respect, the less he'll receive.

I feel lighter. Still, a little part of me is saddened by what I truly wanted my whole life - a real father/daughter relationship. I also wanted a real brother/sister relationship, but now I'm understanding there are real issues with the men in my family. Until this male chauvinistic ego ends, my family will continue being as disfunctional.

My dad exudes all the qualities I hate in a man. All. How did he become this way? Ahh...my grandfather...another man who believes that men are more important than woman.

I asked Danny on the phone last night, after another one of my episodes with my dad, whether he now believes that I don't live a normal life. He finally said yes. Danny always thought I was being dramamtic, over sensitive. A part of me believes it...but today, I'm realizing it's not a fault. I am the way I am because I've been verbally beaten since I could remember. Actually, for a long time, I was physically beaten as well. These men in my life somehow learned it was okay to talk to women in a degrading manner.

Today, I gave up. I said to myself, let it be. I'll be sad inside, but I'll move on. As my sister says, there's just nothing I can do to change what cannot be changed.