My Independence

Happy Independence Day, everyone. My independence (or lack thereof) was reaffirmed this entire weekend by a few notable events. Today, family time was spent during the annual 4th of July BBQ at our house. Burgers and hotdogs with all the fixins. And once again, my aunt asked us to teach little Eric how to dive. Well, the boy is not so little anymore, and he's been "learning how to dive" for about 3 years now. After a about 10 incorrect dives, I decided to take the matter into my own hands and I got knee deep into the pool. I told him the secret was to keep his chin to his chest, never look up, and go in head first. After a few belly flops, he finally got it. Success. My brother comes back and my dad takes interest. Next thing I know, my brother was being praised for teaching the tike to dive. I kept telling myself, well nevermind. The point is, Eric now knows how to dive.

Second, after today's Italy vs. Germany World Cup game, my dad decides to show old home videos of my brother playing soccer. My reaction: ....... Of course it's no surprise to me, but then I can't help but feel a little embarassed and annoyed. I ask, who the heck wants to watch this at a 4th of July bbq? And then I realized who the target audience happened to be. Ah, silly me.

The biggest incident took place a couple days ago during a trip to South Coast Plaza in Orange County, then at the parking lot of Best Buys. Danny decided to tell me that he may need a break. "A break." I said no (haha).

After arguing, crying a little bit (it really was a little bit b/c I was more angry than sad), and screaming at each other, I realized a "break" wasn't really what he wanted. I disected his grievances and worries, and basicially, it came down to one thing - my weight gain.

He said he just didn't feel the "spark" anymore, and that he wished it was like when we first met 7 years ago. Foolish boy. I got very very mad. Very mad. And then I realized how funny things happen for funny reasons.

- Flashback to December 2005 - I was sitting at Yi-Chen's house late at night for our annual Christmas gift exchange with the girls. She's become very religious and was explaining to me the "duties" of the wife and the husband. She claims her arguments aren't sexist because these were the duties God had planned and assigned. Yi-Chen said it is the wife's duty to maintain that appeal for the husband. I kept my mouth shut, in fear of allowing my political point of view ruin a friendship.

- Fastforward to 2 days ago - My mind was at war with itself. Maybe she was right. No, hell no. Maybe I do have some responsibility to maintain my figure. Fuck that, what about unconditional love? I have gained alot of weight. Who the hell cares, you don't see me complaining about such stupid shit.

So at the end of the long arguement/eventual discussion, Danny wanted to threaten me. He may not see it that way, but I'm no fool! He was giving me an ultimatum. Resolution? None, really. I told him to stop saying stupid shit and I'll try my best, as I have been, to lose some weight. It's not like I don't want to! I just wish people would shut up and be supportive instead of threatening.

I was surprised and very hurt. Danny will never know how much he hurt me. I never expected him to say crap like that and now I question things. Not much, just a little. I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me. But here's my issue - Men hit on me regularly. It's flattering and reassuring in a sense. Those men who hit on me today never saw me 7 years ago and are apparently attracted to what they see now. This means I'm not the ugly ball of fat that Danny makes me feel like sometimes. Even though he knows how hurtful it is, Danny will still say stupid shit. He'll disapprove about dessert I want, he'll questions my dinner order, he'll refuse to take my to my favorite cake spot (Citizen Cake in San Francisco - After Midnight is heavenly). If men are attracted to the Fat Stella, how come my boyfriend can't? Do I really want to be with someone, marry someone, have kids with someone who will critique my weight for the rest of my life.

Fuck no.

Argh what does this mean. Am I wrong for wanting unconditional love? Was my friend right about all that duty bullshit that I threw out the window? I feel betrayed.

So really, my world lacks fundamental independence. I don't have gender equality in the family. I don't have freedom to look like whatever I end up looking like without pressure from society and the closest people in my life.