in circles

I went to the gym last night. I've been trying to go at least every other day to get some fitness into my rather pathetic schedule of studying. Everyday's the same. Wake up at 8am, start class at 9am, eat lunch at 1pm, study until 6pm, go home and eat dinner, study until 11pm, talk to danny until 11:30pm, wind down and call it a night. Everday. The same.

So yesterday I decided to "treat myself" to a swim at the gym. I noticed then entire floor was wet so I proceeded with much caution in my flip flops. Apparently, it didn't matter how slow I was walking because the next thing I know, my right leg goes flying in front of me and I fell hard onto the cement in a very Michael Jackson knee-slip. I now have a very sore right foot, bruised left knee, and even more bruised ego!

But the worst part of the whole scenario...no, make that 2 worst parts, was that 1) I fell right in front of the only glass window where the gym public can see the swimming pool. I was like their damn show! These men just stared at me as if I was some animal behind the glass wall! 2) The only thing I was thinking about was tort liabilities!!! I was thinking neglect, duty to an invitee, failure to post signs and give adequate warnings, how much in damages I could get from the gym. It was awful! Well, at least I've been learning...

As I swam back and forth in the pool, I thought to myself, this is how a fish must feel. Prince William, my now deceased beta fish, swam round and round in his little fish bowl. Up and down the lane, I kept staring at the geometric design on the pool floor, feeling sorry for myself.

There's only one way out of this one - I have to pass the bar exam. People like to say (everyone exlcuding my parents who truly feel my life depends on this test) it'll be okay, I can always take it again. Thing is, yeah I can take it again, but I'll still be in the damn fish bowl. I'll be swimming in circles, over and over again, wanting to get the hell out. I just don't think I'll be able to handle all of this again.

Last weekend, I was in the car with my dad when he got a call from an old friend. He was telling his friend what he'd been up to , going to graduations. My dad told his friend how he had to fly up north to go to my brother's law school graduation...how my brother has a job lined up...how not everyone can get a firm job...how well my brother's doing for himself...and then hung up.

I was heartbroken.

My dad didn't even mention the fact that I had graduated from law school that very same day. When am I going to learn that I'll never be good enough, I'll never be smart enough, that it will never be equal in my family? Each time, I can't build a wall high enough, thick enough to block the hurt.

Again, swimming in circles.