gag reflex

I have such an aversion to job searching. Everday, I open up Cragislist and scroll down the list of jobs, 90% of which I'm not qualified for, and I'll get this sinking feeling. Then my mind starts to think of anything else I could be doing rather than looking for jobs. Thus, my cleaning frenzy. I'm staying at my sister's house, and I think she's actually gained from my laziness. I've cleaned her kitchen twice, cleaned her study area and family room, just finished vacuuming, watered her plants daily, took out and brought in her garbage, and organized her recycling. Seriously - I don't think there's much more cleaning left to do.

I'm pathetic. Really. I keep putting things off because I just don't want to face the fact that I should be doing something more useful. What disturbs me more is how I don't care that other people are doing better than me. I have always have a friendly competitive nature. Others' success has pushed me to try harder. Not so much anymore. It's like I've not settled comfortably into my permanent state of "vacation mode." Because really, why shouldn't everyday be a vacation? Ha.

I have this dead wasp or bee in the back of my car. I honestly think it's been there since last year. Why haven't I disposed of it? It's like this rotting corpse, but I'm too lazy to throw it away.

And now the moment of truth - I'm not ready to apply to jobs because I don't want to go through another period of failure. I don't want to subject myself to scrutiny, justifying my bad grades or my crappy law school. I'm sick of defending myself, having to explain why someone should hire me. I don't want to sit and reflect about my abilities or lack thereof. I don't want to keep sending cover letters to places that probably receive a pile each day. It makes me feel like gagging.

I had another bad dream about the Bar exam last night. I was taking the test again for the first time, except it was in this weird environment where things were noisy and chaotic. I kept trying to fit my ear plugs into my ears, but they wouldn't fit right. I knew I was running out of time, but for some reason, I kept having to change seats. People were standing up, turning their tests in, and I kept thinking I wasn't going to finish on time.

Another reason I don't want a job - I'll have to explain that I didn't pass the Bar.