No! Don't!

That's what I tell my mind when it starts to drift into Bar world. During the course of the day, I'll think about Bar results, oh, maybe a dozen times. For about 1o seconds, I freeze in thoughts of "what if" and start to feel that familiar anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

Last night, my friends asked me when results come out. I couldn't even get myself to tell them and instead, I scolded them for saying the B word. I play the day 3 in my mind over and over, and I keep thinking how I crashed on those essays. If only the curve is lower this time! Everyday, I wonder if I should sit and calculate my chances using last July's scoring table. Everyday, the answer is no.

All and all, I'm actually pretty good about channeling my Bar fears into other outlets. My job search hasn't been too successful. A friend of mine was laid off from her real estate law firm in Orange County due the decline in demand, they told her. Another friend told me about her friend who had to take a job in Fresno, but commutes back home to San Francisco to see her husband on weekends. It's a crazy job market. Positions that once called for 0-2 years of experience are now requiring 3-5 years. Still, I would rather have passed the Bar and be jobless, than have a job without having passed the Bar.

When I'm not applying to jobs, I'm planning the wedding. I know, it's pathetic. I've become one of those brides whose works on the wedding round the clock. I'm seriously into details. More importantly, it keeps my mind off of the things I don't have.

Wishing you all a good weekend! Less Bar thoughts, more sunshine!