When I'm laying in bed, about to go to sleep, all I can hear is the sound of my own breath and my thoughts. Sometimes, the tiredness is strong enough to drag me to sleep, but other times, I just lay there and think. My own thoughts can become so loud that I can't bear to be in bed anymore.
Tonight I thought about my grandpa. I thought about how he wanted so much to come to my wedding, and how on the day he died, he put all his effort into practicing his walk so he could walk with me on my wedding day.
I miss him. I wish he could be there.
On the day of my grandpa's funeral, I asked him to visit me in my dreams. Since then, I've met with him twice. On the most recent visit, he told me he was fine and smiled. I told him how much I missed him, hugged him, and kissed him on his cheek. I could smell him, like he was alive, next to me. I walked with him for a little bit in a sea of traveling people, and he talked to me.
***
So I turned down the job. It wasn't the job; it wasn't meant for me. I have faith that I'll find something right, something that I can be happy doing everyday for a few years. If I should ever come to the point where I don't believe that job exists, then I'll begin to consider the B List.
Wedding planning has consumed me life. Sadly, I've become one of those people that talk too much about her wedding and not enough about anything else. I've come to a point where half of me just wants to get the show on the road and the other half wants another 6 months to plan. I feel like I'm in such a hurry to put shit together that I haven't had time to really enjoy the process.
Mr. O and I went to San Francisco City Hall today to obtain our marriage license. I was the woman with a smile on her face, not because I was about to get my marriage license, but because I was genuinely happy to see gay couples become legally married. The way I see it, love is love. Who are we to judge one person's love for another?
I'm going to try to sleep again. Hopefully my mind has slowed down a bit...
1 comment:
i think it's so great that you have that connection with your grandfather. :) the fact that he is visiting you in your dreams is proof that he will be there for you on your wedding day.
i also like and appreciate what you say about love being love. it's quite true. love is all about connection between two souls, and it doesn't matter what the physical trappings, i.e., sex/gender, are. :)
--abbagirl
p.s. r.y.c.: i want to tell her. but i do think it's over. and that she's beyond it. it makes me mad. it makes me feel helpless. but . . . i dunno. :-T in any case, thanks for your comment, though. if anything, i do have my writing -- and writing really does make everything at least just a tiny bit more bearable. . . .
:)
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