Luck and Differences

As I sit here, applying to yet another job that I'll probably never hear back from, I can't help but think about my brother and sister. I am so very different from the both of them, and I think they have much more in common than I do with either of them. When I was growing up, my dad used to call me the black sheep in addition to his many other names for me. I actually didn't mind it though, because I never wanted to be like my sister or brother. We did end up going to the same undergrad and we all decided to enter the same field. But besides blood, I don't really share in anything with either of them.

I think the issue is that neither really knows me. They never took the time to get to know me, and it was hard for me to try to get to know who they really were. I was always seen as the annoying youngest child. Even today, it's nearly impossible to truly understand them because we're all set in our own routines. Even though I'm staying at my sister's house, I get this feeling that she and Bil (my brother-in-law) don't know anything about me. They don't know that I have a huge passion for public interest work, that I one day want to start my own non-profit orgainization geared towards equality of race and gender. No one knows how much I write, how much I do really think about things. I think my family thinks I'm the black sheep that's run away with no real path to follow.

It's frustrating because I've now applied to what feels like a million job postings, and I haven't gotten a reply to not even one. I do have drive. In this world, so much of it rides on luck. We like to feel like we could total control of everything, because it gives us a reason to believe there is reason for outcomes. The older I get, the more I realize that some people are destined for greatness, whether they earned it or not.

My Muslim friend can only eat halal meat. I asked her, what if you go to a place that claims they serve halal meat, but they really don't. She said, as long as she did everything in her power to do what was right, then it would not be her fault. I seem to be in the same situation. I suppose my duty is to stick through it, keep on applying, keep on working towards a goal (although not my goal). If luck is not my side, so be it.

Danny abosultely hates it when I say I have bad luck, but my friends seem to notice the "it only happens to Stella" factor as well. If being different means this road is not an option, I guess I'll have to literally plow my own path.