I'm currently not working.

It has been an uphill battle getting myself to say this statement out loud. If I got a dollar for every time I had to utter the words, "I'm currently out of work," or "I'm not working at the moment," I'd have enough to buy myself a new purse at the least. It's painful.

My poor ego was a little bruised yesterday after attending an all-day CLE course put on by Big Law Firm. The moment I had been absolutely dreading occurred in between one session to the next when a partner at Big Law Firm asked what my name is and what I do.

"Hi, I'm Stella. I'm not working at the moment."

He said, "Oh" and walked away like I had a contagious disease. God forbid, I spread my unemployment-ness onto him... It sounded like I was at an Unemployed Anonymous meeting, trying to get over the fact that yes indeed, I am not working.

I learned a few things by attending the CLE course. First, I've been out of the loop, and I need to brush up on my "law-talk." It's been a while since I've been in a conference room full of other attorneys. I felt intimidated, a little out of place, and out of my league. The speakers were all from Big Law Firm and were brilliant, the other attendees seemed to love talking about where they work and what they do. For a brief moment, as I sat listening to a man speak about injunctions, I asked myself why and how. Why did I ever want to become and lawyer, and how the heck did I get to this point?

Second, people are smart. So smart! I was blown away by all that these speakers had achieved by their age. I wonder, even if I did get a position at a law office today, would I be able to handle my own? I guess I'd have to - sink or swim, right?

Up and down, up and down. I get so darn frustrated and emotional. Get a grip, lady! The longer I'm without work, the more I feel less confident in who I am and what I think I can do. Everyday is very much a battle between me and this lousy job market.