Wide Awake

Happy new year, friends! I'm awake. After my last post, I pretty much started what I said I'd do - reinvent myself. I started looking into all those things I've always wanted to do. Then, poof! Like magic, a new position fell into my lap.

It's another contract attorney position, but right now there doesn't seem to be a forseeable end to this job. I'm finally in a field of law thats close to my land use and real estate law interests. The best part, two of my friends work at the firm so there's always someone to vent to (and there's been quite a lot of venting lately).

There you have it. A new year, a new job, and hopefully a better me. I'm trying to find the time to take a fun class and start writing a few short stories. The more I work, the more I realize that I don't want to be defined by my legal job. It's not who I am.

I'm actually still figuring that part out, but I have a good feeling by the end of 2010, I'll have a better idea.

Reinventing Myself

Another Thanksgiving came and went...

I'm not sure what happened, but today I woke up (with a cold) and realized that I'm 29 years old. I said it aloud and shook my head...twenty-freakin-nine. In less than one year, I'll be 30. Have I accomplished everything I hoped to accomplish by this age? Not even close. It's as if I blinked and my twenties were coming to an end.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a marine biologist. I wanted to study marine mammals and swim with dolphins forever. When other kids were begging for a puppy, I begged my parents for either a killer whale or a dolphin to keep in our pool. Not both, because I wasn't sure if they'd get along...obviously.

I also wanted to be a writer and stared my first fiction novel on a Brother typewriter. Eventually, I moved it onto an old desktop that printed in dot matrix. I think I wrote 11 chapters before that behemoth of a computer finally broke down on me. Devastated by my loss, I swore off writing anything significant on a computer and never attempted writing a novel again.

I went through a phase of wanting to be a housekeeper like Tony on Who's the Boss. You can imagine my parents reaction when I announced this at dinner. During the days of the Gary Shandling Show, I told my mom I was going to become a standup comedian. Then there was opera singer. I used to sing from the balcony of the second floor to my imaginary audience sitting on the floor below. This didn't last long; my mom refused to pay for singing lessons for me, saying they were a waste of money.

By junior high, I decided - pediatrician. I shadowed doctors at the hospital and the idea grew on me more and more. I loved kids and I wanted to be able to help people. It was perfect, until I started college. Failing Organic Chemistry was a big slap in the face. My wake up call.

I think I still have time. I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 40 and wonder where the hell my life went. I know I'm not young and time may not be on my side, but I don't feel like I'm "old" yet either. After seeing eight of our friends have babies in the past few months, and learning of two more coming next year, I have reaffirmed that is definitely not what I want right now.

I'm so afraid of disappointing myself...more than I already have this year. Who am I right now? This person is not the person I thought I would be. So I'm reclaiming myself.

And again...

You know, there are times when I have faith that the universe will work things out, that right defeats wrong, and that in general, good prevails. But today, that faith was thrown in my face. I'm on the muni right now, wondering how I got f*ed over...

Last week I was told, along with all the other contract attorneys, that the case was wrapping up much earlier than expected. We were told this week would be our last week at the firm. I thought fine, this is a good kick in the ass to start my job search for permanent employment.

One by one, as the others finished their work, they said their good-byes. I asked a couple of fellow temp attorneys when they expect to be done. They both always seemed to dodge the answer. Today, I realized it's because they aren't leaving. I'm guessing by their work load, they were asked to stay on. Low and behold, one of the people asked to stay was that chic that consistently asked me for help, but refused to help me.

ARGHHhhh!!!

I'm fuming. Angry and annoyed with myself...wondering why the hell the firm didn't ask me to stay...questioning my work...feeling screwed over!

Trust no one...

I just learned a very valuable lesson. There's another contract attorney who started with me. She always asks me questions about whether she's doing something right, or asks how to do this or that. Without hesitation, I always help her. When I don't know, I try to work through the issue with her.

Just now, I pinged her to ask her opinion on something I'm working on. I've never asked her a single question before. No response. Instead, she logged off...

Funny thing is, I sit diagonally from her so I can clearly see her computer screen. There it is - my message sitting here as she ignores it.

I forgot how bruttal it is in the working world. I hate learning the hard way that I shouldn't be so nice. It's not in my character to blow people off. I don't pretend to not know things to try to get ahead. It's damn disappointing that people can be selfish with their knowledge, but I suppose that's to be expected.

I'm so naive.

Adventures in Muni-land

There's never a dull moment riding on the Muni. Its the best place to people watch. A woman who I see every so often always, without fail, makes me chuckle. In a sea of sterile office colors, she sticks out like a rainbow...literally.

She obviously doesn't give a shit. ;)

wake up call

I was riding on the Muni last week in good spirits. As a man stepped on the train, he recognized a other man who was standing in front of me. They began chatting and I learned they were coworkers. I thought to myself, they look like the lawyer-type, and chances are they work at a firm. While the chatted, I imagined myself asking them whether they might be in need of an associate.

I smirked to myself, fully recognizing that I'd never have the guts to ask a stranger for a job. As they talked, I realized they were in the exact field I hoped to get into. They were discussing the new stadium development in Bay Shore (which they probably shouldn't have been talking about on a public bus).

And the it hit me... As much as I like working, period, I know after this temp position ends, I'll be back to square one. Yes, I'm desperate and I just might take any full-time associate position I can get. But I wonder when it became so impossible for me to actually do what I want to do, to work where I want to work. Freak this damn economy!! Sometime I get so frustrated because it shouldn't be this hard.

the little things

The little things seem to make all the difference sometimes. Examples - cookie Wednesdays, the occasional work-sponsored happy hour with an open bar and cocktail shrimp, and my favorite bagel-donut-fruit-Fridays. Can't go wrong with a toasted onion bagel and jalapeño creme cheese! I look forward to that Friday morning bagel as if it means more than those numbers I see deposited in my bank account.

The little things...icing on the cake.

Trading in the sweats

Here I am, in slacks and a work top. It finally happened. I found a job...with the help of a friend's friend. It's only a temporary contract attorney position, but I'm so happy about having to wake up in the morning and go somewhere! It's the best feeling.

It's been three weeks since I started this job, and I've been so busy that I've only had a moment to stick a new song on the page. It's a bad song, but the only one that popped in my head at the time! (Also takes me back to 7th grade camp.)

The one thing I've learned once again is that you have to reach out to your networks. Ask friends to reach into their networks. I have never turned down a chance to meet someone, even if I really, really didn't feel like it. Right now, it's paid off. This job isn't ideal and I wish it was permanent, but I'm so glad I finally get to put something new on my resume.

Alright, glad to say I have to go back to work.

Nowhere.

All that networking has gotten me nowhere! After all those lunches and meetings with strangers, I have nothing to show for it other than a slimming wallet and an expanding contact list.

It's September. I should be freaking out, but like I wrote last month I'm trying to get over it. I'm not accepting defeat, but I am trying to understand the situation better. Experience has taught me that panicking doesn't help and constantly thinking about time does no good either. I try not to have anymore "this is it" moments where I get my hopes up and start believing that all my hard work has amounted towards a single moment when I get a job. It's a huge let down, totally bad for my psyche. As I told my mom the other day, I know I'm bound to get a job one day. The million dollar question is when!

I'll be honest, the search has slowed down in the past couple weeks. Instead, I took a few trips, spent more time with friends. I recognize that I'm lacking motivation these days when I can't afford to. Today, I woke up and told myself I'll start anew. I think I've made some progress this morning. I contacted a friend of a friend and she was able to forward my resume to her recruiter, who then forwarded it to the client. Again, I'm crossing my fingers. My goal is to land a job before November when a whole new batch of attorneys become licensed. Realistic?

kudos to me...?

Spoke to a friend this morning. A working friend, a fellow attorney. She said that she's rather surprised that I'm taking my joblessness so well, that I sounded rather "jolly."

Hmmm... Well that's a first.

"Jolly" makes me seem like I'm Santa Claus. Yes, while the belly has unfortunately grown over the past year since I've gotten married, "jolly" isn't quite how I'm feeling these days. And besides, how else should I sound, what else am I supposed to do? I've already tried the whole whoa is me, semi-suidical back in May and June. That didn't do me any good and it definitely didn't get me anywhere.

I'm coping. It's August and my last interview didn't work out...again. I thought I was a shoe in because it was a contract attorney position and they were planning on hiring buckets full. Of course, the day after my interview, their clients pulled out which meant no work to be had. I'm focusing on networking this month. It doesn't come easy for me to meet with strangers over lunch and talk about myself. I don't like asking for things from someone I just met, but this month is all about getting over it. I'm getting over my lack of luck and the whoa-is-me complex. So we'll see where all this networking takes me.

Dust yourself off and try again...and again.

changing gears

Good grief. July is almost over. This year is just flying by and I'm literally sitting in the same seat I was sitting in for the past year and a half. Two years since I graduated, and I still have nothing to show for it.

Since today is the last day of July Bar exams, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on the "better days." My gosh, I can't believe I'm referring to Bar days as "better days," but when I look back, I really did feel like I could have achieved anything after passing the Bar. I was ready to take on the world. Since then, the job market and my inability to find anything worthwhile has just about drained me to the last drop.

I sat at the desk this morning, started the daily search for jobs and let out the biggest sigh. This is the toughest thing I've had to face. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that my job search has been much more grueling than preparing for the Bar. I know, I know. Hear me out though.

When it was Stella vs. the Bar Exam, the ball was completely in my court. It was up to me to study my ass off, put in the time and discipline to succeed. Right now, I'm just about doing everything in my power, but the final decision isn't about how prepared I am. It all comes down to whether the interviewer likes me enough to offer me the job. I've struck out too many times to count this year.

In July, I've learned something very important that's changed my attack plan. In this economy, in order to get considered for a position, you need to know somebody, or know somebody that knows somebody. The good old fashion way of finding a posting, submitting a cover letter and resume doesn't cut it anymore. All that mumbo jumbo you hear about networking, well...it's all true. I wish I was a shmoozer, I wish I had a rolodex full of names, I wish I was good at going to networking events and chatting up partners... I'm not. I'm very social, but I'm not fake. Still, hope is not lost forever. Ask friends, ask friends to ask their friends. People are bound to know at least one attorney. Swallow your pride, admit to classmates you're looking for a job, and see if they can help.

A couple friends of friends came through for me this month. To make a very long, awful story short, I'll mention that I actually took an associate position that paid less than I made in 2001, prior to attending law school. It was at a bankruptcy office, and I lasted 2 days before I quit. I know what you're thinking... But trust me, this was a bad situation and the smartest thing I did was stick up for myself and leave.

My second connection got me an interview with Big Law Firm this week. I was nervous, more nervous than I've even been for any interview. I wanted to make a great impression, and I honestly did the best I could. Still, the interviewer was focused on the fact that I don't have any experience in this specific area. Ugh...I so want this job. I'm really hoping this one's it.

Even if these leads don't get me anywhere, I'm still so grateful that there are genuinely kind people that are willing to help. The people that helped me land interviews this month were complete strangers. I'm absolutely blown away by how people will go out of their way to help someone they don't know. The best part - I made a couple friends that I plan to stay in touch with. Even without a job, I think that alone has made it a successful month.

comment on the comment

Thanks, Anon. I actually do have a non-legal job that I've been working at since the beginning of this year. It's part-time, but it keeps me busy and I feel like I am able to contribute to someone else's business. The reason I don't blog about it is because I wanted to share my job search struggles with others who may be in my position.

Perhaps the maxim "it's easier to find a job when you already have one" doesn't work with everyone. A job is just a job. My blog is about finding my career...the one I've invested over $150k and 3 years in developing. I can also say, from speaking with others who are unhappy, that it's definitely hard today to leave a current job in pursuit of another position. I'm sure I don't have to reiterate that there's not much out there. We just hold on to whatever we can keep.

Although, I have been trying to be more optimistic with everything in general. It's a struggle...but it's been the reason that I've been shying away from blogging about my job search. I'm trying to refrain from putting the negativity in writing.

At the end of the day, when I reflect on this experience, I'm learning to just hold on and keep doing what I'm doing. I'm riding this economy out because for now, it's all I can do.

collecting dust.

There are two things I can think of that's more tiring than looking for a job. 1) Complaining about not having a job, and 2) doing other people's jobs.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty sick of hearing myself bitch about the job market. I'll be so ecstatic the day I can stop and say that I've finally landed a job.

Now that it's officially summer, people are realizing that my job search hasn't gone anywhere. One by one, friends and family have asked for a favor, then two, then three. I suddenly found myself doing things for other people every day of the week. Somehow, I'm now working for my sister, doing legal research for my brother, being the officially designated event planner anytime my friends and I want to go out, driving Miss Daisy and all her friends to and from the airport, taking IT calls from my dad...you name it.

This is what happens when you don't work for a while. They all figure, well Stella isn't doing anything anyway. I'm also guilty of thinking this way. My response is always, why not, I'm not working right now. I've reminded my family that I won't be so accessible once I start working! Yeah...that doesn't seem like it'll be a problem anytime soon.

So here I am, collecting dust. I'm scared. I don't want to be so available anymore... I miss the feeling of waking up early and having to get ready to go somewhere. I'm also losing hope. I can feel it whenever I apply to a job, everytime I think about tomorrow.

Oh wait. I'm doing it again, aren't I? :\

I am not able to offer you a position at this time.

* deep sigh *

I'm so...tired, frustrated, annoyed, and completely sick of this job process. This week, I'm waving my white flag in the air. You win.

I just received another rejection letter. What more am I supposed to do here? After talking to people with and without jobs, I've come to the conclusion that applying the good old fashion way isn't going to cut it. Submitting my resume, going through the process of interviewing and sending a thank you letter is not enough. I have to know someone, or know someone that knows someone.

I get so down. If I didn't get the job, who did? How was that person a better candidate? Was it strictly job experience? In my moment of desperation, I was tempted to email the employer today and just ask. My sister then had to bring me back to the real world and remind me I shouldn't seem so pathetic. Can't help but feel a little pathetic anyway.

When I didn't get offered a position, I'd hear, "It's okay. Something better is coming your way." Sure, that would do the trick. I'd feel better and chug along. Now...haha. Now, I'm beginning to understand there really isn't any job that's "better" than the next. They're all equally important because each one is an opportunity to work.

When I take my life day by day, it really isn't so bad. I'm able to cope with my situation by doing what I should be doing - finding jobs and applying, over and over again. When I take a step back and reflect on the week, the month, or the year, that's when I start to panic. I'm very much afraid that I'll be here, sitting at this very desk, doing the exact same thing next year. I don't think I can accept that. In my mind, enough is enough!! There are times when I'd rather give up on myself than keep running in circles like this.

My change, please.

May was an ugly month. It's started ugly with my total breakdown, and it ended on a sad note. My dear dog died. She became very sick all of a sudden, and in a matter of days, it went from bad to worse... So many, many things went wrong, her little body couldn't cope, and she had to be put down. I selfishly would rather have her next to me again.

This was no ordinary dog, you see. My dog was brilliant. Bite-sized, but packed a punch. I used to take her to class with me in undergrad. As we walked to school, she'd go chasing the pigeons, and jump in the air an in attempt to fly and catch one. By the time we made it to class, she would pass out under my seat or right next to me. She saved me during an overdose of an unnamed substance during my party hardy days. She preferred to sleep on her back, like we do. During the winter, she'd sleep on my neck and keep me warm. If I stayed up late to study for finals, she was there to keep me company. When I went swimming, she'd watch from the sidelines. When I played piano, she'd sit right under by my feet to listen. She grew up with me, present at every milestone in my life - graduations, passing the Bar, not passing the Bar, and even my wedding.

My dog was simply my best friend. The beauty about my dog is that she didn't care how many times I took the Bar, how long it took me to find a job, how much money I made or didn't make, or whether I wore the same clothes two days in a row. She was there, no matter what. I miss her so much that it hurts. :(

So I'd like to put May behind me. June has started out with yet another interview. I've had a good flow of interviews in the past month. Unfortunately, I haven't been offered the jobs. No, correction - the employers never got back to me regarding the positions, so I assumed I didn't get the job. I'm completely blown away by the lack of courtesy of these employers. I understand that for every one position, there are hundreds of applications and sometimes a dozen or more interviews. Still, to me, that doesn't justify not sending out a rejection letter or even an rejection email after an interview. I've even had some employers blatantly ignore my messages or emails after interviewing me.

I'm still learning not to expect anything. If I don't expect, there's no disappointment. Today, I interviewed with two women attorneys. I have to say, it may have been my most uncomfortable interview. They hardly cracked a smile. Even during the greeting and handshake - nothing. I realized I was selling myself to a tough crowd. It is what it is...no expectations.

So here I am...half way through the year. I'm really hoping June will be a month of change.

lucky.

Let me set the scene for you. I was laying in bed, sobbing and feeling sorry for myself and Mr. O...that he's stuck with a wife who hasn't contributed for over a year. I had snot and tears running down my face, landing all over the bed...all over the pretty, spring sheet set I had just washed and placed a few days ago. I kept thinking in my mind, I can't believe it's May.

Mr. O was watching sports in the family room, and I was trying to keep quiet in the bedroom. My quiet tears turned into the ugly crying, the crying where you can't breathe and you start gasping for air. I obviously couldn't hide it anymore.

Mr. O came in and started to pet my head...because he knows that makes me feel better. And then the conversation went like this:

mr. o: I think I'm the luckiest man. Do you know why?

me: [looking up at him, shaking my head]

mr. o: Because I found someone who loves me the most in this world. Right?

me: [nodding like a child, up and down, up and down]

mr. o: And no amount of money can replace that. Do you know what that makes me?

me: N-n-nnn-no...

mr. o: That makes me the richest guy in the world...

can't sleep.

I usually don't have any problems sleeping, but ever since I got home from dinner, I've been feeling uneasy. As I watched Real Housewives of New York, I kept interrupting myself, trying to remember something I had maybe forgotten. Something just wasn't sitting right. Finally, I decided to get some shut eye, but again I had that ick feeling. After nudging Mr. O a few times to get him to stop snoring, I realized what was bothering me.

I headed out to dinner in the evening with some friends. Mr. O was driving and changed lanes. Apparently, he didn't see a motorcyclist also moving into the lane or driving in between the lanes...still unclear where the motorcyclist came from. I heard the motorcyclist yell all sorts of profanities as he sped by us. I thought, eh, no biggie. It's the city. People get emotional when driving. But then the guy stops in the middle of a fast moving street, a street where traffic flows for a good while before the light turns red. Since we were behind him, we were forced to stop suddenly. Cars were honking and raging behind us. The motocyclist all of a sudden rushed to the side and banged on the driver side window. Mr. O cracked the window open to hear what he had to say. The motorcyclist then sticks his hand into the car, as if he's about to break the window. He was yelling, threatening us, swearing. He said we almost killed him. As usual, I had to get the last word in. I told him it wasn't smart of him to stop in the middle of a fast moving street and that he was putting himself in real danger at that point.

Not smart, Stella.

The guy went ballistic. He tried to reach in to the car to grab at us, started punching the window. Nuts! He finally got back onto his motorcycle and drove off with the passenger seated behind him. I got his license plate number and tried to call the police. Of course, my trusty iphone had zero reception or internet connection. The other 3 iphones in the car weren't working either.

We went to dinner and attempted to forget the nut job that almost ruined the evening. While I was laying in bed, I realized that lunatic had really gotten under my skin. I have never, ever been faced with such a scary person. For a few minutes, I think I honestly feared for my life. What if he had a gun or used a weapon on us?

As I go over the whole scene in my head again, I'm realizing that the back seat passenger on the motorcycle never even flinched. She never turned around to see what was going on, never tried to stop him or yell at us from her seat. While he was punching and banging our car window, she stayed on the motorcycle and looked straight ahead, as if this was all the usual thing for her. Kind of makes me wonder what she deals with...

I just don't understand people sometimes. Some of us are so incredibly genuine and good, and then there are some of us that are just truly ugly. I feel bothered. I don't like letting things like this go. I feel like I have to "make it right" somehow. I want to file a police report, but if I call tomorrow, what will it accomplish? I think I'll just be prolonging this icky feeling.

it is what it is.

I had some time to think about my last post and your comments. During the past couple of weeks, I got through a nasty cold (may have even been as bad as Abbagirl's), watched a lot of movies to escape reality, and barely made it through a panel interview for a position that I have yet to hear back from.

I came to a conclusion about my current situation, which is that I'm doing nothing wrong. I've taken all the right steps in order to get employed, I've covered all my bases. Thing is, I don't believe in starting from the way bottom to get my foot in the door. I do believe that yes, there are some exceptions to that rule, but they have to be really good exceptions, even during this economic crunch. Example, if I wanted to work in-house for Virgin Airlines, I don't think starting at the check-in counter would work.

For me, it's not about pride, but it is about self-worth. I think there's quite a difference between the two. Like all other attorneys, I've put in my time and my hard work. I think I deserve a position where I can put my esq. to practice with decent pay. Otherwise, I would rather continue doing pro bono work.

So for now, I keep going. I did have an interview last week where one of the interviewers grilled me pretty hard. He stared at my resume and read through my earlier positions with non-profits and such. He asked me what happened to my passion, where my drive to do good for humanity went. I answered the best I could, kept it positive, but I seriously wonder the same thing sometimes.

I'm not going to go on and on about how I've lost motivation... Leave that for another day.

This sudden heat made for an incredible day at the ballpark yesterday. Giants won 2-0. I was the girl yelling gibberish, sweating bullets, and literally taking off her clothes in the stands. I helped throw a bbq this weekend. Tri-tip and baby back ribs went straight from my mouth to my thighs. Met up with lots of friends...and their babies, drank cold beer out of a frosted glass, and went biking on a sunny day (since those ribs probably won't disappear on their own). Really, what do I have to complain about, right? Life is good...on the weekends. '-'

perspective part II

Another work week is almost over, and I'm still trying to build a more positive perspective on my life. New season should mean new Stella. Spring symbolizes renewal and growth. I know a need to take a cue, but it's harder said than done.

You know what else is harder said than done? Starting my own practice. I ran into a couple acquaintances yesterday during lunch. One of them revealed he'd been laid off recently. My heart really went out to him, especially because he has two very adorable little girls to support. Still, he's been down this road a few times already, and he's always been able to get back on his feet before. He asked how I was doing, and the inevitable, if I was working yet. When I said I was still searching, he asked, "Why don't you just do your own thing?"

I'm going to be honest. I hate when people suggest that I start my own practice. No thank you, it's not for me. People not in law always ask as if it's the simplest solution to my unemployment dilemma. It's not that I'm lazy, but like any other business, opening a practice is not easy breezy! Where would I get the capital to do that? Not to mention, law school hasn't prepared me to do jack squat on my own. I don't even know what field I would practice, because again, law school doesn't really teach the practice of law. It only makes a feeble attempt to teach the black letter law.

I got all bent out of shape after that conversation. That's what I've been like all week - all bent and distorted. Another suggestion that I could really do without is, "Why don't you just pick up a hobby?" My friend, who's taking her sweet time in law school (I think she's on her 6th year...I lost count) suggested that I attempt a mini marathon. [Insert eyes rolling here.] Stella doesn't run. I speak in third person to emphasis this fact.

I've heard a slew of "why don't you just..." or "why not try..." lines. In his desperation, Mr. O asked if I wanted to go back to school. Any school. I gave him the look of death. Then we both laughed.

I keep reminding myself, be positive, be positive. BE FREAKIN POSITIVE! I don't think it helps that I yell in my mind. I'm trying to shake off the "what's the point" attitude I've had lately while sending out resumes. Negative vibes! I don't want them to be transferred with my emails.

So yes. Still working on it. In the meantime, I have been enjoying lots of hobbies that I don't really mention. I'm girly in all ways. I like to scrapbook and sew. I like cooking for friends and for dinner for twos. Yesterday, I took my guitar out of it's case again. Poor thing, it was all dusty. I had forgotten how much making music makes me happy.

perspective

Thank you for the encouragement, tips, and advice. Abbagirl, the other blog posting was quite uncanny. Misery loves company. It made me feel better to read that I wasn't the only person with weird friend issues.

I had a salt-on-the-wound moment this morning. One of my very close friends gave a job tip to another one of her friends. Turns out her a former employer was hiring. She never mentioned anything of the sort to me, and the other friend was offered the position at the firm. I felt a little betrayed...

I wasn't offered any of the jobs I interviewed for last week. I was optimistic in the beginning of the week, but slowly, as each day passed without a call, I started to lose hope. By the time Thursday rolled around, I was a real mess. Just ugly. This morning, I knew I didn't get any of the positions, but thought I'd call for the one position I really wanted, just in case. She said the position was filled earlier this week. It wasn't a surprise. Still, I'm annoyed they never called to let me know. They could have at least sent a rejection letter for me to add to my collection.

I think I'd like to hide under Weezy's rock...I just don't get it. The interviews all went so well. We clicked, we were laughing, really getting to know each other. What the hell happened?

I wish someone could just tell me what I need to do to get a job. Just share the secret because I'd really like to know. I've tried everything from the really professional cover letters to the really heart-felt ones. I keep looking over all my docs. Maybe I missed something? Maybe I'm doing something wrong. It probably doesn't look good that my last job on my resume was a while back.

I need to get a positive perspective on my life. I need to really embrace all the great things I have going right now, because as Anonymous said, I do have feet. It's hard. And today, it's probably not going to happpen because I'm in a rotten funk.